In the past couple of weeks I've shared with you the funny moment,
the yummy moments and sometimes the strange moments that no one shares with you
about pregnancy. Today I'm sharing with you a slightly different post that I've
been working out in my head for a while now. This post formed as I got a
call back from the hospital to let me know I've tested positive for gestational
diabetes and it just broke me somehow.
Diabetes is
something that runs in my family and part of my endless effort to stay active
and healthy has been to avoid diabetes. Now I’m fully aware that this is a
common condition in pregnancy yet somehow I can’t shake the feeling that
despite everything to this point I lost this battle. I think I’ve spent my
entire life competing with all forms of diabetes and now I feel like I lost the
race. Mind you diabetes is somewhat of an unknown participant in this imaginary
competition and I’m fully aware that this is a shit happens situation and I
just have to deal with it. The insane competitor in me though just won’t let it
rest. Aside from everything else that goes on during pregnancy, this is the one
that broke my zen state of being. This also got me thinking about all my
friends who have been pregnant before me.
I've often wondered why my pregnant girlfriends go into their
shell and seem to pull away. The paranoid me has thought maybe they don't feel
I can hang out with them because I don't have kids. Maybe they are so busy they
don't have time for us anymore. I'll be honest sometimes I also think
maybe I said something to upset them or perhaps our friendship is over because
they can no longer relate to me. Now being on the other side of the fence
I see things differently. There's light shining on things that were
hiding in dark mysterious corners previously and sometimes, the things hiding
in the shadows aren't as pretty or as simple as one may think. Mind you, things
that hide is dark shadowy corners are never pretty are they?!
Having thought endlessly about this in the past while and having
this humbling moment of zen crashing at this time has made me realize that
sometimes it really is isolating being pregnant. No matter how strong of a
support system you have sometimes you can’t help but crawl into your shell and
take cover in an effort to try and re-introduce yourself to this new you. You’re
body has changed, you can’t walk at a normal pace and you curse the day the
person that invented stairs was born.
Aside from all the other stuff you have to prepare for, there are the
expected unexpected things. You know things that you hear about but in the back
of your head you think that will never happen to me. For example, the moment you look in the
mirror and think holy F*&k when did my boobs get so massive?! Where are my feet? Why am I wobbling when I walk? When did my waist
line get THAT big? Oh and 190lbs? I smell baby back ribs!! Then GD hits and you blow a gasket. You hear women
talking about looking at themselves it the mirror and not recognizing the
person staring back at them and suddenly you get it. It’s real. You know what
they’re saying because you don’t know this “stranger”. I still find myself
wanting or sometimes attempting things I used to be able to do like hiking,
jogging, speed walking or heck just bending over to put on shoes and when you
do that and can’t breathe, it stuns you. You wonder “is this how it will be
then?”. I’ve gone from Wonder Woman to
Fat Bastard!!
Before:
After:
Through all this
though I am reminded of my amazing support system that is there supporting me
through every step of the way. A husband that is my best friend and my rock. The
one who is always the shining light at the end of every dark tunnel that I’ve
crossed since I met him. The one who never judges me for all the moments of insanity
I have which can be often. My friends
and family who are there giving me love and supportive words of wisdom when I
need it. My wonderful dogs who show nothing but unconditional love to us that puts
a smile on my face every day and help start my day off right. All of this
reminds me that no matter what is going on in my own crazy little head, life is
full of beauty and goodness. Most importantly it reminds me that I’m not
alone. Being alone is a terrible thing
and that is one thing I am not.
So to my wonderful superhero girls out there who’ve done this before
me, you are not alone either. Even though sometimes our thoughts and life in
general can boggle the mind and make us lose track, know that you always have a
life full of good things that will trump all the overwhelming moments that are
nothing but obstacles for us to overcome and make us stronger. Just keep
pushing through the expected unexpected and the crazy hormones that catch up
with you once in a while.
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